I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
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