hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
