Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I'm having to shit out rocks
You did what with his pubic hair?
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