Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Is it penis luge time yet?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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