She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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