This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
