i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
