life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize