good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
