If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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