literally had 100 drinks last night.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Randomize
