Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
