I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
jump out the window naked night went bad
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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