Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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