Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
