I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize