words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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