guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
