Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
