Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
