I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize