No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
