got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
