Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
