Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
