i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
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