he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
