I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
