she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
