They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Ketchup is God's man juice
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize