I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
