So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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