No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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