you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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