Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize