What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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