Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
