I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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