Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Randomize
