i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
