when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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