You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
