Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Randomize
