I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
