piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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