I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
