I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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