Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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