No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
