So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Randomize
