its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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