you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Randomize
