I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
