He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
