i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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