When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
im calling her cock vulture from now on
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
