i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
