I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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