i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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