remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
