I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
