I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Michael Bay diarrhea
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I think my moral compass just broke
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