He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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