We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
