Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
