Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
