My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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