Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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