Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
