Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Im part way to drunk.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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