cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
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