hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Randomize
